Assimilation: Adventures of an Indian American Teen
Growing up Indian-American was and still is confusing to say the least. When I was younger I genuinely thought my culture was something to be ashamed of. I grew up in rural white districts so this feeling of shame was instilled since day 1. The languages spoken in my household were apparently gibberish and therefore deserved to be mocked by my blonde classmates. Bringing ethnic food was social suicide, so I bought school lunch every day for at least 6 years. My hair wasn’t silky straight like my friends so I straightened it constantly. I told myself I only did it because my actual hair was unmanageable but in reality, I flat-ironed my hair because I thought it would finally make me pretty. The Indian dance forms that I grew up learning were mocked and disrespected right in front of my eyes. I internalized that hatred and slowly fell in love with the idea of being white. I fell in love with the idea of not being made fun of for the dark hair that grew on my legs and arms. I fell in love with the idea of not having to worry about how intelligent I seem for the fear of being used as a human answer key. I fell in love with the idea of being anything other than Indian.
Thankfully, I eventually surrounded myself with people that made me feel comfortable and accepted. I reclaimed my identity as a proud Indian-American young woman. My culture was something that I only participated in on the weekends during parties and functions, but I tried to make the most of it. As an active member of my local Malayalee association, I choreographed dances for every opportunity I could. I couldn’t wait for the Friday night parties with the close-knit Indian community that I thought of as family. Slowly, but surely my culture became a prideful and large facet of my identity.
I only now understand that my mere existence as a human being is purely intersectional. A crossroads between my cultural heritage and the Americanized environment I grew up in. I have come to terms with who I am. My identity is a balancing act, but I’ve grown to embrace it.