The Girl in the Mirror

I am an Indian-American who was raised in a mainly white area that heavily influenced and changed me in more ways than I can count. Today I want to talk about something that not even my closest friends know since even speaking about it makes me uncomfortable. I have struggled with my body image and self-confidence for years now, and have many insecurities that I face daily. I grew up in America and I see the ideal body type every day in every magazine I look at. The American ideal of the perfect body is skinny, white, tall, lean legs, etc. Since the sixth grade, I started feeling more and more insecure about my body. I convinced myself that I was just trying to be healthy and in shape but that wasn’t the truth. I had been lying to myself and convincing myself that I was okay and that this mindset I had slowly fallen into was normal. My daily routine became waking up, looking in the mirror, looking at my stomach, and critiquing myself on where I needed to lose fat or get more definition. The insecurities I pointed out every day started eating me from within and I fell into a downward spiral of hatred and disappointment in myself.  You may be wondering what this has to do with race? 

Well, the Indian ideal body type and the American ideal body type vary immensely. Indians generally prefer skinny but not too skinny, and you have to have curves so you look better in Indian clothes. Indians think ab definition on a girl is weird and they immediately relate abs to masculinity and say that it is not a feature that girls should have. Well, the American body ideals were telling me I should have abs to be “prettier” and the Indian ideals were telling me it was “ugly”. Some of my friends would say, “Omg you kinda have abs!” and “Woah your body looks so good!” but then at every Indian party I went to, the aunties swarmed me saying, “Oh my god you lost weight!”, “You look like a skeleton!” or “You got so skinny you look like you have no life in you!”. Growing up with these comments surrounding me sent me into a blaze of confusion about what I wanted for myself. Their comments only made me fall deeper and deeper into my dark place of self-hatred.

The confusion between who I had to satisfy or which ideal I had to fit was too much to bear. No matter what I did I would never look good in the eyes of both ideals. I spent so long trying to satisfy others I forgot that it was my own body and the only person that had to be happy with it was myself. I kept seeking validation from other people so much that eventually, I lost my identity and happiness along the way. It took me so long to even realize that there was something wrong with me and my mindset. I am just now starting on the path towards recovery and learning to love myself however I am. It is not going to be easy but I am determined to wake up and instead of being disappointed, I am going to be happy. I am going to be happy that I am blessed with a good family, supportive friends, and good health. I am not an object that needs constant modification, I am a human that is perfect the way I am. I have imperfections and that is okay, I must learn to embrace those imperfections and love myself. I don’t need to fit the ideals of Indians or Americans. I am my own person and I refuse to be swallowed by the toxic standards that different cultures have forced upon us. I know many other girls have faced the same struggles that I have and I think it's important to know that you are not alone. You are amazing the way you are. NEVER forget that!